I'll answer in English now:
I'm not going to note you from any grammar mistakes or text parts. I just tell you what the story felt:
You had a good rhythm in this story. The story went through the text in a good speed, not too slow or fast. I liked to read this, the story was really nice and good entertainment for this rainy day I'm spending right now.
Continue this! You have a good grip of this, please, continue! I would like to have a sequel for this.